Thursday, April 24, 2008

Local Man Divorces Reality

Fox, center, in his recently rented suite at the Park Plaza Hotel, with company. Photo courtesy of Katie.

BOSTON — Dorian Fox, a graduate student, writer and sometime resident of Allston, MA, filed for a divorce from reality yesterday, citing irreconcilable differences. 

Fox explained that he and reality had been married for twenty-six years, happily for the most part, but that a recent string of conflicts and misunderstandings between him and his longtime spouse had made it impossible for him to continue with the marriage. 

Among other grievances, Fox claimed that reality had become increasingly difficult to live with in recent months, that she no longer seemed to support his happiness and well-being, and that her moods and demands had become all but incomprehensible to him. 

“It’s not that I don’t love reality—we have a long and stable history,” Fox explained, following a courthouse meeting today between himself, reality and a mediator, “but we clearly don’t see eye to eye anymore.” 

Fox said that during the mediation it was decided that reality would retain the rights to self-possession, clear-headedness, gumption and common sense, while Fox would maintain custody of stewing, avoidance, general aimlessness, the cable and internet service, and his delusions. Fox said that he was hoping reality would eventually cede the rights to optimism and his aspirations for himself, but that it was unclear how the rest of the mediation would go. 

While Fox said that he didn’t blame reality for the dissolution of the marriage, he admitted to feeling as though reality’s attitude toward him had suddenly and inexplicably changed.

“She got very cold, very harsh all of a sudden,” said Fox. “One day reality and I seemed completely in sync, and the next day I couldn’t recognize her. It was like she became this weird, alternate version of herself. Finally I just threw up my hands and said, “You are not the reality I married!” I knew then that we had to go our separate ways.”

While awaiting the conclusion of the divorce proceedings, Fox has moved out of the modest, one-bedroom apartment he shared with reality and taken a room in a lavish hotel downtown, where he reportedly plans to spend his nights darkly brooding, watching popular films on pay-per-view, and indulging himself with extravagant meals from the room service menu. 

When asked how he intended to cover the costs of the hotel spree, Fox shrugged and said, “Geez, you sound just like my ex-wife.”

Fox said that although he and reality are resigned to the split, there are certain aspects of the relationship he will miss. 

“Sometimes it’s nice to be grounded, and reality was always good for that. You know, paying rent, personal hygiene, remembering to set the alarm—she had a knack for the practical stuff. I definitely have her to thank for my near-perfect credit score.”

"And little things," Fox continued. "Like, we really enjoyed watching TV together—especially “Survivor” and “The Hills" and similar programs. Reality liked to laugh at those shows because they seem so phony and staged. One time, she chuckled so hard during “Rock of Love” that the V8 she was drinking came out her nose. I’ll never forget those moments.” 

Fox is admittedly unsure of what direction his life will take once his divorce from reality is finalized. 

“I’d still like to write for a living—reality always said that was a crazy idea. I could move somewhere tropical and breed cats, like Hemingway. Or maybe I'll learn the guitar and busk my way to a record deal. Or take up spelunking and do that full-time, since I’ve always been fascinated by stalagmites.” 

Fox glanced up at gray clouds rolling above the courthouse. 

“But you know, there’s really no telling,” he said. “The sky’s the limit.” 

Reality was not available for comment.